Santa Claws (1996, dir:
John A.
Russo; writer: John A. Russo; cast: Debbie Rochon,
Grant Kramer)
I
wouldn't even call this a horror film. Horror requires an
unnatural
threat. Something mysterious and larger than life. What made
Halloween a
horror film is that Michael Meyers couldn't die.
Santa Claws is more akin to
The Toolbox
Murders and
Visiting Hours (but not as slick) in that we see the killer
right away (rather than
hidden by a mask), and we see that he's a seedy, pathetic little man.
So he lacks the awesome power of a Michael Meyers or Jason
Vorhees.
Santa Claws is also not a horror film in that about half the film
(and it's a short 82 minutes) is just various women posing
semi-nude for the camera. No suspense or deaths. Just semi-nude
models.
The story is about an obsessed fan
(Grant Kramer) who kills everyone in the life of his favorite actress (Debbie Rochon),
who specializes in horror-porn films. So we spend much time at the porn studio
watching various actresses being filmed topless. If that's what
you want, great, but know that this is as much a soft-core porn
film as horror.
The story is scant. (What porn film has a substantive story?) The
acting is uniformly bad. "Walls" wobble when struck, and we
can glimpse where they don't connect to the ceiling. (Seems much
of the film was ineptly shot on a cheap sound stage.)
And the special
effects are laughably poor. Unlike many slashers, this killer
sticks to only one implement, a relatively mild-looking garden
rake. He hits people with it, leaving small red dots, which we're
supposed to think are gashes. Doesn't look it. See the above DVD
cover? The skeleton with the ax? No axes in this film. No skeleton
either. Not even a skeleton costume.
Debbie Rochon bears some resemblance to
Parker Posey, though
without the talent. Grant Kramer evokes Chris Elliott, though not
as funny. All of the actresses in this film appear to have had massive
breast implants.
Certainly there are many better "killer Santa" films. While
Silent
Night, Deadly Night has historically garnered the most attention,
I'd say that
Christmas Evil is the most inspired and
thought-provoking, while
Don't Open Till Christmas is a personal
favorite.
Because I'm a fan of
both Chris Elliott and
Parker Posey,
I'm giving
Santa Claws a generous two stars for casting
actors who resemble them.
"Communist Vampires" and "CommunistVampires.com" trademarks are currently unregistered, but pnding registration upon need for protection against improper use. The idea of marketing these terms as a commodity is a protected idea under the Lanham Act. 15 U.S.C. s 1114(1) (1994) (defining a trademark infringement claim when the plaintiff has a registered mark); 15 U.S.C. s 1125(a) (1994) (defining an action for unfair competition in the context of trademark infringement when the plaintiff holds an unregistered mark).font>