The Delos Adventure (1987, dir:
Joseph Purcell; script: Joseph Purcell; cast: Roger Kern,
Jenny Neumann, Kurtwood Smith, Enrique Castillo, Kevin Brophy,
Al Mancini)
The
DVD's cover art shows actress Jenny
Neumann in scuba gear, holding a machine gun. A real kick-ass,
Amazonian, Angelina Jolie/Lara Croft type supergal (before
Angelina Jolie).
This cover art is a lie. In the film, Neumann never wears scuba
gear, never even holds a gun, much less shoots it. She plays an
environmental scientist who spends much of the film cowering in a
cave, occasionally crying.
Neumann is part of a group of environmentally aware seismologists
who set up some buoys on an island, unaware that they're part of a
secret U.S. Navy Intelligence project seeking Soviet subs.
Her group sets up the buoys -- for about 45 minutes! --
during which nothing much happens.
Then -- finally! -- they are attacked by Soviet scuba
divers from some secret underwater base. Two of them. Two
Soviets! That's all we ever see.
We can be certain that these two Soviets are scuba divers, because
after over a day wandering on dry land, they still wear
their scuba gear. They just skulk about the island, in full scuba
gear, carrying guns, trying to kill Neumann's group.
But these are no special forces frogmen. One of them is a real
porker, looking like a middle-aged guy with his belly and thighs
bursting against the scuba outfit.
They kill Neumann's boss.
Then there's this annoying, elderly Greek guy in Neumann's group,
always dancing Greek dances and talking about Greek gods. I think
he was supposed to be endearing. He knocked out a scuba man, then
danced his Greek dance, like a jerk. He was then shot by the scuba
man's partner.
I was so happy to see this Greek guy get shot. I was about to fall
asleep, the film had gotten so slow again, but seeing the jerk get
shot made me laugh.
Jenny Neumann does little except cower in a cave, and run
and hide. Oh, once she almost leaves her cave to "talk sense" to
the scuba men, because she thinks they're Chilean marines, but a
guy in her group "talks sense" to her, so she doesn't.
In the end, she gets rescued by one of the guys. This guy has
beautifully puffed and blow-dried hair throughout the film, no
matter how arduous his ordeal.
The Delos Adventure is so low-budget. Five seismologists and two scuba men
on an island, playing hide and seek. And a handful of people back
in the States, looking grimly at the data from the buoys. That's
about it.
No adventure here.
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The
DVD's cover art shows actress