Alien 3000

Film review by Thomas M. Sipos




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Alien 3000 (2004, aka Unseen Evil 2, dir: Jeff Leroy; script: Garrett Clancy, Scott Spears; cast: Lorenzo Lamas, Priscilla Barnes, Corbin Timbrook, Scott Schwartz, Megan Molloy, Christopher Irwin)





In present day California (why is this film called Alien 3000?), an elite special forces unit goes to a cave to kill an alien. Most of the story occurs just outside this cave. Some of it is set inside a tunnel in the cave. And some scenes occur in a really cheap-looking "government headquarters" office.

The soldiers bicker for no reason. I guess the inept writers (two claim credit for this script) figured to create some drama by having the characters argue all the time. (A common writing mistake seen in many horror films.)

One soldier is a short, scrawny, young woman who slings a shotgun over her shoulder, hillbilly style, and keeps cursing off her commanding officer, to show that she's bad and tough.

Another soldier points his gun at anyone for no reason, spits tobacco, and curses off his commanding officer, to show that he's bad and tough.

Everyone says fuck all the time. Like, every other word. The woman with the PhD in psychiatry. The top government bureaucrat. The soldiers. Everyone. Fucker this, and fuck that, and let's kill the fucker. I guess it's to show that everyone in the film is a tough badass motherfucker.

The soldiers all slouch, and have various hairstyles, and are too old, or paunchy, or small.

This is an elite special forces unit?


Actually, some of these soldiers are mercenaries. Why? I dunno. Apparently two are enlisted soldiers, and two are mercs. Four soldiers total. And two bureaucrats. And a girl who saw the alien. That's the elite squad sent to kill the alien. Four soldiers and three civilians.

A low-budget elite squad for a low-budget film.

None of these actors are in character or behave like real people. The alien stops and roars, so this blond girl just stands there screaming, like in a 1950s BEM horror film. And the soldiers just stand there when they could shoot. Why? Because the inept director wanted a shot of the girl screaming for a while, and gave no thought to what the other characters might be doing.

Later, the alien just stands there screaming while the soldiers shoot at it. Doesn't run or attack, just stands there roaring. Why? Because the director wanted some cool shots of green blood coming out of the alien, giving no thought to how any creature might behave if being shot it.



The interior of a military helicopter looks like two guys sitting in front of a table in a room. No better than Ed Wood's shower curtain/airplane cockpit in Plan 9 From Outer Space.

When the government building blows up, it looks like a cardboard box set on fire. Two soldiers run out, having learned that aliens will soon invade Earth. Do they tell anyone? No. They decide to handle it themselves by flying out to the four soldiers by the cave.

Alien 3000 is a really, really, BAD movie.

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